Branson, MO----1998
Prolouge--Friday, June 12, 1998
The decision on where to go for this trip still ranks, after eleven years, as the least reasoned. I’m a planner. I like to devote months of planning and research on our chosen destination. I find out as much as I can in advance. What to see, where to stay, hours of operations, read the hotel reviews, compute travel time, allot time for each attraction, and on and on. No detail is too trivial to look at. Does everything go according to plan all the time? No, but I never expect that it would. My goal is to know that there is to see and do, and have enough time and money to do what we decide on. Then to have a Plan B. It doesn’t work for everyone, but we are never sitting around the hotel wondering what we are going to do today.
With that in mind, we picked out Branson, MO as our vacation spot this year. We picked that spot in February, with a June visit in mind. Four months is still a lot of time, even for me. But I usually know the year or even years before where we are going to visit. But this year, I had little time to devote to planning. Why, because 1997 sucked! Luckily, it had nothing to do with sickness or death. I won’t go into too much detail, I think I’ll save that for my 1997 blog, but we had big changes as work. I adapt well, but these changes started with a bad plan and eventually ended in bankruptcy. I worked 60-65 hours per week, for three different bosses, most of that year. We moved into a new building and ground through people like they were sausage. I was in tears (and I’m not an emotional guy) a time or two.
To top it off the final guy I worked for that year was a jerk. Jerk is really much too kind, he was sphincter muscle. He once could not reach a particular Customer Service Representative, as her line was busy. She was a top drawer worker, and was smoothing something (there was a lot smoothing to be done back then) over with a customer. So Mr. Wonderful gets on the intercom and say “Paging Anonymous! Paging Anonymous! Please call Mr. Wonderful immediately! There has been a death in the family!” He would brow beat his managers in meetings twice a day. There was a happy ending to the story. Eventually, the “death” story made it back to corporate and they started to pay more attention to the personnel complaints coming out of our facility. It took them a few months, but he was eventually shown the door.
Enough context. We picked Branson, because we had been there before in 1994 and really liked it. We knew what there was to do, and only had to discover what was new or changed. We knew what we wanted to do again, and what we missed the first time. It would make planning much easier. Unfortunately, it also made for the least memorable of all of our family vacations. We’d been there, done that, and quite literally, got the t-shirt. But, as we had skipped a family vacation last year, going anywhere was a treasure.
We decided to drive, spend three days, and then come back. That would be five days away from home and two very long driving days. This trip is memorable for one thing. Those two long driving days added a rule to Kretzer Rules of Traveling. This new rule states; “Never spend more than eight hours in a car, in one day.” With rest stops, it was 15 hours one way from Brighton to Branson. My two girls are angels when traveling by car. There is no “Are we there yet” or all the whining and nagging to stop. But fifteen hours in a confined space with anyone induces thoughts of homicide.
Once we got there, we decided to see a show each night. We would also “Ride the Ducks”, visit Silver Dollar City, and spend a day at the water park. This would fill up all three days nicely and we were all looking forward to it. Now we just needed to get going!
With that in mind, we picked out Branson, MO as our vacation spot this year. We picked that spot in February, with a June visit in mind. Four months is still a lot of time, even for me. But I usually know the year or even years before where we are going to visit. But this year, I had little time to devote to planning. Why, because 1997 sucked! Luckily, it had nothing to do with sickness or death. I won’t go into too much detail, I think I’ll save that for my 1997 blog, but we had big changes as work. I adapt well, but these changes started with a bad plan and eventually ended in bankruptcy. I worked 60-65 hours per week, for three different bosses, most of that year. We moved into a new building and ground through people like they were sausage. I was in tears (and I’m not an emotional guy) a time or two.
To top it off the final guy I worked for that year was a jerk. Jerk is really much too kind, he was sphincter muscle. He once could not reach a particular Customer Service Representative, as her line was busy. She was a top drawer worker, and was smoothing something (there was a lot smoothing to be done back then) over with a customer. So Mr. Wonderful gets on the intercom and say “Paging Anonymous! Paging Anonymous! Please call Mr. Wonderful immediately! There has been a death in the family!” He would brow beat his managers in meetings twice a day. There was a happy ending to the story. Eventually, the “death” story made it back to corporate and they started to pay more attention to the personnel complaints coming out of our facility. It took them a few months, but he was eventually shown the door.
Enough context. We picked Branson, because we had been there before in 1994 and really liked it. We knew what there was to do, and only had to discover what was new or changed. We knew what we wanted to do again, and what we missed the first time. It would make planning much easier. Unfortunately, it also made for the least memorable of all of our family vacations. We’d been there, done that, and quite literally, got the t-shirt. But, as we had skipped a family vacation last year, going anywhere was a treasure.
We decided to drive, spend three days, and then come back. That would be five days away from home and two very long driving days. This trip is memorable for one thing. Those two long driving days added a rule to Kretzer Rules of Traveling. This new rule states; “Never spend more than eight hours in a car, in one day.” With rest stops, it was 15 hours one way from Brighton to Branson. My two girls are angels when traveling by car. There is no “Are we there yet” or all the whining and nagging to stop. But fifteen hours in a confined space with anyone induces thoughts of homicide.
Once we got there, we decided to see a show each night. We would also “Ride the Ducks”, visit Silver Dollar City, and spend a day at the water park. This would fill up all three days nicely and we were all looking forward to it. Now we just needed to get going!
Day One--Saturday, June 13, 1998
My daughter once asked me what my favorite day of the year was. She assumed that it would be Super Bowl Sunday (pretty good guess, actually). She was wrong. My favorite day of the year is the first day of our family vacation. Even this year, with a 15 hour drive in front of us, I was still pretty jazzed.
I was looking forward to this trip, obviously. But, I was not looking forward to today’s drive. We would be traveling 814 miles. At an average speed 55 miles per hour that was nearly 15 hours in the car. Remember I said “average speed”. If you drive, say 65 miles per hour, in two hours you travel 130 miles. But, if you have to stop for 15 minutes, for maybe gas or to pee, you only travel about 114 miles, and you only average 57 miles per hour. Stops of any kind add to the day. You have to stop for gas, you have to stop to pee, and you should stop for meals. I wondered how many times we would stop and how many miles per hour we would really average by the time we got to Branson.
We left bright and early at 5 AM. “We”, not only included the wife, me, and my daughters, Jolene and Jessi. But, also Margo’s mentally handicapped sister, Jackie. She had never traveled any farther than Greeley, CO, so she was pretty jazzed herself.
We made really good time out of the gate. We arrived in Colby, KS at about 9:30 AM. We had traveled 251 miles in 3 ½ hours. Margo has a lead foot on the open highway. We made a drive thru stop in Colby, at the local Burger King, and immediately got back on the road.
Three hundred miles, five hours, and most of the state of Kansas later we arrived in the state capital of Topeka. This was a pretty vicious pace. We had made only one rest break after Colby. We had now logged 554 miles, in 8 ½ hours. We were averaging 65 miles per hour! Thank God for I-70! Now there are plenty of people who say getting there is half the fun, and that you should enjoy the scenery as you go. These people have never driven across the plains of Kansas. To help keep the kids from expiring from boredom, we played Car Bingo. This is a game played with a special Bingo card that has pictures of things you might see as you travel. One was an airplane. We managed to travel all the way to Topeka before we saw something in the air, that didn’t have feathers.
When we hit Topeka we were tired and really need to stretch our legs. We stopped, got out of the rented minivan, and at a Subway. It was not exactly fine dining, but Jackie is a bit of finicky eater, and this appealed to everyone. Especially appealing was the part about getting out of the minivan for awhile. We spent about an hour in Topeka and then left about 3:30 PM.
Topeka was our last stop before arrival. We got to our hotel, The Village Inn, in Hollister, MO at 8 PM. Even with our extra long stop in Topeka, we averaged 58 miles per hour, and took 14 hours to make the drive. As it was dinner time, we drove the two miles into Branson and had dinner at the Baldknobbers Restaurant and the got some ice cream at the Dairy Queen. It had been a long day, with a long drive. We were all exhausted, so it was back to the hotel to get rested up for tomorrow.
I was looking forward to this trip, obviously. But, I was not looking forward to today’s drive. We would be traveling 814 miles. At an average speed 55 miles per hour that was nearly 15 hours in the car. Remember I said “average speed”. If you drive, say 65 miles per hour, in two hours you travel 130 miles. But, if you have to stop for 15 minutes, for maybe gas or to pee, you only travel about 114 miles, and you only average 57 miles per hour. Stops of any kind add to the day. You have to stop for gas, you have to stop to pee, and you should stop for meals. I wondered how many times we would stop and how many miles per hour we would really average by the time we got to Branson.
We left bright and early at 5 AM. “We”, not only included the wife, me, and my daughters, Jolene and Jessi. But, also Margo’s mentally handicapped sister, Jackie. She had never traveled any farther than Greeley, CO, so she was pretty jazzed herself.
We made really good time out of the gate. We arrived in Colby, KS at about 9:30 AM. We had traveled 251 miles in 3 ½ hours. Margo has a lead foot on the open highway. We made a drive thru stop in Colby, at the local Burger King, and immediately got back on the road.
Three hundred miles, five hours, and most of the state of Kansas later we arrived in the state capital of Topeka. This was a pretty vicious pace. We had made only one rest break after Colby. We had now logged 554 miles, in 8 ½ hours. We were averaging 65 miles per hour! Thank God for I-70! Now there are plenty of people who say getting there is half the fun, and that you should enjoy the scenery as you go. These people have never driven across the plains of Kansas. To help keep the kids from expiring from boredom, we played Car Bingo. This is a game played with a special Bingo card that has pictures of things you might see as you travel. One was an airplane. We managed to travel all the way to Topeka before we saw something in the air, that didn’t have feathers.
When we hit Topeka we were tired and really need to stretch our legs. We stopped, got out of the rented minivan, and at a Subway. It was not exactly fine dining, but Jackie is a bit of finicky eater, and this appealed to everyone. Especially appealing was the part about getting out of the minivan for awhile. We spent about an hour in Topeka and then left about 3:30 PM.
Topeka was our last stop before arrival. We got to our hotel, The Village Inn, in Hollister, MO at 8 PM. Even with our extra long stop in Topeka, we averaged 58 miles per hour, and took 14 hours to make the drive. As it was dinner time, we drove the two miles into Branson and had dinner at the Baldknobbers Restaurant and the got some ice cream at the Dairy Queen. It had been a long day, with a long drive. We were all exhausted, so it was back to the hotel to get rested up for tomorrow.
Day Two--Sunday, June 14, 1998
The morning began with Margo telling me about last night’s sleeping arrangements with the girls and Jackie. I was pretty tired, so after getting all of the luggage and our coolers in last night, I was pretty much ready for bed. I took care of my bookkeeping stuff and went to bed. Margo had to deal with setting the three girls up with sleeping arrangements, in our two room suite. We had one bed in our room. I don’t recall the size, but it was small. The girls had two beds; a single and a double. The first night, last night, Jolene got the single and Jackie and Jessi got the double. We would be here three nights so each of them would get a turn in the single bed. But, Jessi had tossed and turned and kicked so much during the night, that Jackie called for Jessi to have the single all to herself the last two nights.
Finally! We could start having fun. Or at least the girls could. Today’s agenda consisted of visiting White Water, the premier water park in Branson, and then taking in the Moe Bandy show. I was really looking forward to seeing Moe Bandy. He put on a great show when we saw him four years ago. I was not really looking forward to the water park. It’s really not my thing. I’m too fat to look good in swimming trunks, but young enough where I still should. I hate things that make me confront my faults. It’s just way too easy to ignore them, and hope they go away.
Regardless, I promised the girls that we would do the water park, and especially after they had been so good during the drive up. I wasn’t as well behaved as they were. So after breakfast at Penelope’s, we were off. The park opened at 10 AM, and today promised to be hot, so arriving first thing didn’t seem like a bad thing at all.
After paying the $19 admission per person, the girls wanted to tackle the big slides first. They are the most fun after all. Margo stayed with Jackie, who hasn’t a daring bone in her body. Margo rented several inner tubes, so we could all float in the lazy river later. While she was doing that, the girls and I made it up the top of the stairs at our first aqua monstrosity. We did one with tubes first. Their giant slide would come later. Upon launch we were subjected to twists and turns, while alternately being plunged into darkness, which got us wondering if the next light would be the end of the tunnel, and large splash, or just a sensory bone. It was over quick enough and we each made our splash. Jessi doesn’t swim so I made sure I was right there to grab her, so she wouldn’t get scared. She had a life jacket, so there was little danger. She was popped up like a cork and was just fine. We did a few of these, but soon the lines got large enough to deter us from waiting.
We found Margo and Jackie and joined them in the river for awhile. I kind of liked that. Not only was it a very leisurely pace, it gave me plenty of time to admire all the bikinis that had come out to play. But as exciting as that was, it did get boring going around and around, and the park had another adventure for us, the Surfquake Wave Pool.
The SurfQuake Wave Pool is a large fairly calm pool that you can float and swim in. But every 15 minutes a bell sounds and the wave maker comes on. The machine churns up waves up to 4 foot high, which bounce and churn the floaters and swimmers. At the deep end, it is 8 feet deep, with the waves making it deeper at times.
Jackie can’t swim. But, Jackie can panic. Jackie was floating on her tube when the bell sounded the start of the waves. She was about half way out, and when the waves started, they pulled into the deeper water. We had lost track of her, when that first bell sounded. The pool was filled with splashing and screaming children. It looked like that scene from Titanic after the ship went under. Margo and I began to scan the waves trying to pick her out. We quickly found her and she was at the far end. Margo swims like a rock with an anvil lifesaver. That meant I had to swim out and come tow Jackie back. She was wearing a life jacket, (which we insisted on over her objections) so she wasn’t in great danger. But, water and panic don’t mix. Luckily she had been going with the flow (so to speak) and wasn’t worked up by the time I got to her.
That was our excitement for the day. We spent the whole morning and most of the afternoon at the water park. By the time we got done we were all pretty tired. So we drove back to our Hollister Hotel for a nap. Naps are a good thing. I never appreciated them when I was younger. But with age comes wisdom. Or at least enough accumulated BS to work up a good story. Today, I’m pretty sure it was exhaustion, disguised as wisdom that has us all in bed for a couple of hour. We were up in time to get dressed and ready for dinner and then our show.
Dinner ended up being a very forgettable meal at a fast food place. We were seeing Moe Bandy tonight, and I was looking forward to it. Moe sings the music I grew up with, and I always found his songs to be some combination of touching, fun, and patriotic. We had really enjoyed his show four years ago and saw no reason why this should be any different. There had been a couple of changes in the last four years, though. Moe had moved to a new theater and had gotten a new wife as well. Theresa, the new wife, was also a singer and was now in the show. Moe had also picked up a comedian, Hargus Marcel, to add some additional humor the show. We enjoyed the show. There was plenty of music, comedy, and Moe’s standard Q & A intermission. I didn’t quite like it as much as the first time, but I chocked that up to having high expectations.
That was it for today. I was glad to have the water park behind us. Tomorrow, we were going to spend the day at Silver Dollar City and then see another show.
Finally! We could start having fun. Or at least the girls could. Today’s agenda consisted of visiting White Water, the premier water park in Branson, and then taking in the Moe Bandy show. I was really looking forward to seeing Moe Bandy. He put on a great show when we saw him four years ago. I was not really looking forward to the water park. It’s really not my thing. I’m too fat to look good in swimming trunks, but young enough where I still should. I hate things that make me confront my faults. It’s just way too easy to ignore them, and hope they go away.
Regardless, I promised the girls that we would do the water park, and especially after they had been so good during the drive up. I wasn’t as well behaved as they were. So after breakfast at Penelope’s, we were off. The park opened at 10 AM, and today promised to be hot, so arriving first thing didn’t seem like a bad thing at all.
After paying the $19 admission per person, the girls wanted to tackle the big slides first. They are the most fun after all. Margo stayed with Jackie, who hasn’t a daring bone in her body. Margo rented several inner tubes, so we could all float in the lazy river later. While she was doing that, the girls and I made it up the top of the stairs at our first aqua monstrosity. We did one with tubes first. Their giant slide would come later. Upon launch we were subjected to twists and turns, while alternately being plunged into darkness, which got us wondering if the next light would be the end of the tunnel, and large splash, or just a sensory bone. It was over quick enough and we each made our splash. Jessi doesn’t swim so I made sure I was right there to grab her, so she wouldn’t get scared. She had a life jacket, so there was little danger. She was popped up like a cork and was just fine. We did a few of these, but soon the lines got large enough to deter us from waiting.
We found Margo and Jackie and joined them in the river for awhile. I kind of liked that. Not only was it a very leisurely pace, it gave me plenty of time to admire all the bikinis that had come out to play. But as exciting as that was, it did get boring going around and around, and the park had another adventure for us, the Surfquake Wave Pool.
The SurfQuake Wave Pool is a large fairly calm pool that you can float and swim in. But every 15 minutes a bell sounds and the wave maker comes on. The machine churns up waves up to 4 foot high, which bounce and churn the floaters and swimmers. At the deep end, it is 8 feet deep, with the waves making it deeper at times.
Jackie can’t swim. But, Jackie can panic. Jackie was floating on her tube when the bell sounded the start of the waves. She was about half way out, and when the waves started, they pulled into the deeper water. We had lost track of her, when that first bell sounded. The pool was filled with splashing and screaming children. It looked like that scene from Titanic after the ship went under. Margo and I began to scan the waves trying to pick her out. We quickly found her and she was at the far end. Margo swims like a rock with an anvil lifesaver. That meant I had to swim out and come tow Jackie back. She was wearing a life jacket, (which we insisted on over her objections) so she wasn’t in great danger. But, water and panic don’t mix. Luckily she had been going with the flow (so to speak) and wasn’t worked up by the time I got to her.
That was our excitement for the day. We spent the whole morning and most of the afternoon at the water park. By the time we got done we were all pretty tired. So we drove back to our Hollister Hotel for a nap. Naps are a good thing. I never appreciated them when I was younger. But with age comes wisdom. Or at least enough accumulated BS to work up a good story. Today, I’m pretty sure it was exhaustion, disguised as wisdom that has us all in bed for a couple of hour. We were up in time to get dressed and ready for dinner and then our show.
Dinner ended up being a very forgettable meal at a fast food place. We were seeing Moe Bandy tonight, and I was looking forward to it. Moe sings the music I grew up with, and I always found his songs to be some combination of touching, fun, and patriotic. We had really enjoyed his show four years ago and saw no reason why this should be any different. There had been a couple of changes in the last four years, though. Moe had moved to a new theater and had gotten a new wife as well. Theresa, the new wife, was also a singer and was now in the show. Moe had also picked up a comedian, Hargus Marcel, to add some additional humor the show. We enjoyed the show. There was plenty of music, comedy, and Moe’s standard Q & A intermission. I didn’t quite like it as much as the first time, but I chocked that up to having high expectations.
That was it for today. I was glad to have the water park behind us. Tomorrow, we were going to spend the day at Silver Dollar City and then see another show.
Day Three--Monday, June 15, 1998
Silver Dollar City opens its doors at 9:30 AM. So that was our first goal of the day, be there when it opened. It usually works out much better to get to an amusement park early. The crowds are smaller so you can ride the popular rides first and then take care of the others later. We were at Silver Dollar City fours ago. It’s not so intense like Disney World, or even one of the Six Flags parks. But, it still has plenty of rides and things to do. It has a definite family atmosphere without the intense commercialism of Disney or Universal.
We arrived roughly at opening time and made our way inside. Jackie didn’t want ride too many of the attractions, because that is just not her thing. So we did not make a beeline towards them. We had discovered that clowns are also not her thing. Earlier in this trip we had seen a clown on billboard, and pointed it out to everyone in the car. Jackie had such an exaggerated negative reaction that it was actually funny. She didn’t have a panic attack or take to screaming for protection from the seltzer wielding demon. It was more akin to an arachnophobe seeing a spider and hiding behind the person beside him.
Well, this was just too good to pass up, and Margo and the girls began to actively look for clowns to point out to Jackie. Surprisingly, clowns are not abundant in Branson. Perhaps in New Orleans, when Mardi Gras is going strong, or Boston when Ringling Brothers makes their annual appearance, or Washington DC when Congress is in session, clowns are easy to spot. But, so far Jackie had been spared from their large feet, baggy cloths, and evil grin. However, her luck ran out in Sliver Dollar City.
Silver Dollar City has areas, in the way Disneyland has “lands. You recall “Tomorrowland” or “Adventureland”. The heart of SDC is a 1880s village, that is a recreation of a late 19th century Ozark town. There are numerous restaurants, artisans, and shops. One of these shops was guarded by a large cloth clown, which was wrapped around a post. Somehow the girls, including Jackie’s evil sister, Margo, had maneuvered Jackie to stand right beside the post, without her noticing what was there. The idea was to snap a picture when she saw it, and capture her reaction for posterity. The picture ended up only showing Jackie just standing there. The clown had been pointed out with a “What’s that, Jackie?”, but she had a delayed reaction. She made a small shrieking noise and scooted away, almost anti-climactically.
We made our way over to The Cracker Corral, which is the petting zoo, inside the park. This was popular with everyone, even Jackie. We took plenty of pictures of the girls feeding or holding a variety of animals that might be found on any farm in the country. Even Jackie got into the act, but not too close. She was not comfortable around these animals that were not dogs or carts. But, as the bunnies did not seem to bite and the goats were in a pen, she managed to feed a cracker or two to the furry beggars inhabiting the place.
I mostly worked the camera at this point. But I wanted to do something other than feed sheep and goats. It was not hard to talk the girls into going on a few rides. Truth be told, they were the ones doing the talking. They also got a bit bored with animals. Unfortunately, I don’t really remember what we did, ride-wise. I know we did the American Plunge, the SDC log plume ride. They have a river ride, Lost River of the Ozarks, and a small railroad, the Frisco Silver Dollar Line, in which I know we did. But, in all truthfulness, they were about like a dozen others, in a dozen other parks across the county. They were fun, just not distinctive. I suppose there is good in that. A McDonalds hamburger tastes the same in Branson or Brighton. The consistency is part of the appeal. Besides, by mid-afternoon it was getting plenty warm. It didn’t matter what they called their water themed ride, as long as they got you wet.
Our show tonight was at 8 PM. We needed time to change into fresher cloths and maybe grab a bite to eat. We had lunched and snacked all day at SDC, so we weren’t terribly hungry. We ended up getting something from Dairy Queen, before we headed off to the Baldknobbers Theater. The word “Baldknobbers” requires some explanation, but it is likely not to make much more sense than it does to you now.
A Knob is small hill, common in the Ozark (and other) old mountainous ranges. A bald knob has no trees, a looks kind of like a knot, or a knob. In the 1880s, a group of vigilantes sprang up out of the ashes of the Civil War. They wore masks and called themselves Bald Knobbers. They largely died out in the next twenty years, but their occasional violet exploits left an indelible imprint on the local populous. In 1959, when the Mabe brothers began to entertain the tourist coming to the area, they adopted the humorous sounding name of “Baldknobbers”, spelled as one word. They evidently chose the name for its campy sound, instead of anything political or historical. The Baldknobbers dress as stereotypical hillbillies and performed self deprecating sketches. There acts included country and gospel music, in addition to the comedy. The Baldknobbers were the first show in Branson, and that started a live entertainment tradition that continues to this day.
My thought when booking this show was “Well, they’ve been around for 40 years, they must be good.” I wasn’t off. They put on a very entertaining show. We laughed and had a great time. I’m not much on gospel music, but even that was done well. They have a great mix of music and comedy, and present it on a red, white, and blue plate. I was happy we chose them.
The show was about two hours long, and it was 10 pm by the time it was done. We were pretty much done, too. We made the short drive back to Hollister, took care of our nightly routine, and went to bed. Tomorrow would be our last day in Branson. We had one more show to see, after a day of Ducks and shopping.
We arrived roughly at opening time and made our way inside. Jackie didn’t want ride too many of the attractions, because that is just not her thing. So we did not make a beeline towards them. We had discovered that clowns are also not her thing. Earlier in this trip we had seen a clown on billboard, and pointed it out to everyone in the car. Jackie had such an exaggerated negative reaction that it was actually funny. She didn’t have a panic attack or take to screaming for protection from the seltzer wielding demon. It was more akin to an arachnophobe seeing a spider and hiding behind the person beside him.
Well, this was just too good to pass up, and Margo and the girls began to actively look for clowns to point out to Jackie. Surprisingly, clowns are not abundant in Branson. Perhaps in New Orleans, when Mardi Gras is going strong, or Boston when Ringling Brothers makes their annual appearance, or Washington DC when Congress is in session, clowns are easy to spot. But, so far Jackie had been spared from their large feet, baggy cloths, and evil grin. However, her luck ran out in Sliver Dollar City.
Silver Dollar City has areas, in the way Disneyland has “lands. You recall “Tomorrowland” or “Adventureland”. The heart of SDC is a 1880s village, that is a recreation of a late 19th century Ozark town. There are numerous restaurants, artisans, and shops. One of these shops was guarded by a large cloth clown, which was wrapped around a post. Somehow the girls, including Jackie’s evil sister, Margo, had maneuvered Jackie to stand right beside the post, without her noticing what was there. The idea was to snap a picture when she saw it, and capture her reaction for posterity. The picture ended up only showing Jackie just standing there. The clown had been pointed out with a “What’s that, Jackie?”, but she had a delayed reaction. She made a small shrieking noise and scooted away, almost anti-climactically.
We made our way over to The Cracker Corral, which is the petting zoo, inside the park. This was popular with everyone, even Jackie. We took plenty of pictures of the girls feeding or holding a variety of animals that might be found on any farm in the country. Even Jackie got into the act, but not too close. She was not comfortable around these animals that were not dogs or carts. But, as the bunnies did not seem to bite and the goats were in a pen, she managed to feed a cracker or two to the furry beggars inhabiting the place.
I mostly worked the camera at this point. But I wanted to do something other than feed sheep and goats. It was not hard to talk the girls into going on a few rides. Truth be told, they were the ones doing the talking. They also got a bit bored with animals. Unfortunately, I don’t really remember what we did, ride-wise. I know we did the American Plunge, the SDC log plume ride. They have a river ride, Lost River of the Ozarks, and a small railroad, the Frisco Silver Dollar Line, in which I know we did. But, in all truthfulness, they were about like a dozen others, in a dozen other parks across the county. They were fun, just not distinctive. I suppose there is good in that. A McDonalds hamburger tastes the same in Branson or Brighton. The consistency is part of the appeal. Besides, by mid-afternoon it was getting plenty warm. It didn’t matter what they called their water themed ride, as long as they got you wet.
Our show tonight was at 8 PM. We needed time to change into fresher cloths and maybe grab a bite to eat. We had lunched and snacked all day at SDC, so we weren’t terribly hungry. We ended up getting something from Dairy Queen, before we headed off to the Baldknobbers Theater. The word “Baldknobbers” requires some explanation, but it is likely not to make much more sense than it does to you now.
A Knob is small hill, common in the Ozark (and other) old mountainous ranges. A bald knob has no trees, a looks kind of like a knot, or a knob. In the 1880s, a group of vigilantes sprang up out of the ashes of the Civil War. They wore masks and called themselves Bald Knobbers. They largely died out in the next twenty years, but their occasional violet exploits left an indelible imprint on the local populous. In 1959, when the Mabe brothers began to entertain the tourist coming to the area, they adopted the humorous sounding name of “Baldknobbers”, spelled as one word. They evidently chose the name for its campy sound, instead of anything political or historical. The Baldknobbers dress as stereotypical hillbillies and performed self deprecating sketches. There acts included country and gospel music, in addition to the comedy. The Baldknobbers were the first show in Branson, and that started a live entertainment tradition that continues to this day.
My thought when booking this show was “Well, they’ve been around for 40 years, they must be good.” I wasn’t off. They put on a very entertaining show. We laughed and had a great time. I’m not much on gospel music, but even that was done well. They have a great mix of music and comedy, and present it on a red, white, and blue plate. I was happy we chose them.
The show was about two hours long, and it was 10 pm by the time it was done. We were pretty much done, too. We made the short drive back to Hollister, took care of our nightly routine, and went to bed. Tomorrow would be our last day in Branson. We had one more show to see, after a day of Ducks and shopping.
Day Four--Tuesday, June 16, 1998
Today was our last day in Branson, but we were in no hurry to get it started. We didn’t have anything scheduled that would require us to compete with the rooster for crowing rights. Most days of our family vacation we are up by 7 AM, and usually earlier, so we can get everything done we want to. I believe in going to a destination and squeezing it until all the things to do, see, and enjoy, are done, seen, and enjoyed. It’s a competition between us and the destination. Will we extract every bit of stimulation from it, before it fatigues us to the point of civil war? I just never understood the reasoning between going somewhere and spending more than 7 hours (children excluded!) in bed. If extra sleep is the priority for your vacation, there is no point in traveling half way across the country. There is a very comfortable, and free, bed back home. However, you have to have a break when you can. Sixteen hour days, back to back to back, are killers. And contrary to the above perception I may have given, I am not a morning person. So today we slept in.
We got up at 9ish. Not exactly sleeping the day away, but those extra hours always feels nice. After showers and a leisurely breakfast we drove into downtown Branson and found a place to park. The plan was to wander the shops and see what trinkets and novelties existed that we could not possibly continue to draw breath without owning. I don’t particularly enjoy “shopping”. I’m not fanatically opposed to it, and even some types I actually enjoy. Back home, if we are in a Home Depot or Lowes, even Sears (Yea Craftsman!) I can make a couple of hours disappear dreaming and planning. But any clothing only store, jewelry store, or baby store can bring about crippling depression. Those stores should only be approached after necessity has dictated, and then only with a limited shopping list, and a reasonable time limit. Say, fifteen minutes.
I love the Budweiser commercial in which a clothing rack has been transformed into a Men’s Club with beer and sports on TV. I have even considered lobbying to have the marital vows amended to remedy this situation. My thought was something like this:
“and do you, Lovely Bride, take Handsome Groom, ….blah..blah...blah…richer, poorer….blah…blah…blah….forsaking all others….blah..blah….and never make him go shopping, as long as you both shall live?”
And of course the proper response would be:
“I will, especially the part about shopping”
All right, maybe I’m exaggerating a tad. It wouldn’t be that bad. Not every shop would be filled with candles and flowers. There would be T-shirt shops that espouse such maxims as “The difference between a Redneck Girl and a Southern Belle is a six pack” or such sage advise as “Paddle fast, I hear banjos.” I actually find most of these hilarious. I much prefer reading all of the t-shirt wit, as opposed to inhaling deeply as my wife picks up candle after candle and queries “Doesn’t that smell pretty?” After the third one, my nose is numb and they all smell like wax.
Then there are the candy shops. We can shop there anytime. Display cases and aisle filled with sweets, confections, and if your lucky a taffy pulling machine. I don’t recall seeing one on this trip, but the things are down right hypnotizing as they stretch and pull the taffy. So we wandered from shop to shop. Some I liked. Most I just tolerated and tried to make the best of it. I think we ended up with a T-shirt of some sort and a cookbook from a place called the Gingham Goose. It could have been worse.
We ate lunch at Shoney’s. They don’t have any Shoney’s in Colorado, but they are an institution in the South. If I recall they had a choice between ordering off of their menu, which features standard American fare, or a buffet. Nothing really made an impression on me, so the food was probably good, but nothing extraordinary.
After lunch we headed over to Ride the Ducks, to take a tour of the town. Ride the Ducks is a tour company that uses converted World War II amphibious craft to take tourist around town, and on Table Rock Lake. That’s right on the lake. The craft, DUKW built to move troops during the war, has six wheels under a boat shaped bottom, with a propeller in back. They load you up, and drive you around town for about twenty minutes, and then head to the lake. Once the captain takes you on to the lake, which he does with a big splash, the captain turned the craft over to the kids. Actually anyone who wanted a stint behind the wheel could drive. There isn’t a lot to hit in the middle of the lake, so it was pretty safe. Soon our captain had told us all he knew about Table Rock Lake, and it was time to head back to the duck house.
We were all getting a little tired, so we headed back to the hotel. Part of the reason we were tired was because of Jackie. Jackie is a very nice person, but Jackie snores like a buzz saw. She goes to bed early, and the first night at the hotel, I heard this god-awful racket sound coming from the next room. I asked Margo about it, and she started laughing. “That’s Jackie”. Margo had grown up with it. But, it definitely kept me from sleeping soundly. I think the girls did a bit better, but we had done a lot of walking. So a nap would do us all some good.
After a few ZZZZZs, it was time for dinner. We headed back into town and ate at The Home Cannery. Again, I don’t remember much about it, so it was probably decent food, but nothing special. We were getting pretty excited at this point. What I considered the high point of our vacation was just around the corner. We had tickets to see the Mel Tillis Show, at his theater. In his day, Mel was a top country artist. But, he had decided he wanted something of a home life, so he built himself a Branson theater, and had his fan come to him. But, the topper was that his daughter, Pam Tillis, was currently a major star in her own right, and was appearing tonight.
We got there early for the 8 PM show and got to our seats. It was a sold out show, and for good reason. Mel put on a great show singing a lot of his hits, and working quite a bit of comedy into his act as well. Mel is famous for his stutter. When he speaks to a person, or crowd, he really works to get the words out. When he sings, he is flawless. He worked his stuttering into a couple of jokes. One in which he was really laboring to get the name of a current country super-star out. He was saying “Le—Lee An-nn, Le Ann”, and by that time the crowd (me included) finished his sentence by saying “Rimes”, as in LeAnn Rimes, the brand new and very popular young singer. But, as soon as the crowd had the name out of his mouth, he finished his own sentence with “Womack”, another singer, just to let us know he wasn’t as hard pressed as he let on with his words.
There were other jokes, and I have no idea why they have stuck with me. But, Mel told of when his daughter was a little girl, and wore this beautiful dress to church. The dress had many ruffles, and Mom (as the story goes) spent some time getting it ready. After church, as the preacher is talking to little Pam, he comments on how pretty the dress is. Pam responds, “Thank you, Mom says it’s a real bitch to iron.” Much laughter from the crowd. Later in the show, after Pam finished a song and was doing her own monologue, she asked if her father had told that particular story. The crowd, of course, affirmed that he did. She admonished us “Not to encourage him”. Years later I had heard many versions of the “It’s a bitch to iron” joke/story, so I kind of doubt it really happened. That didn’t make it any less funny and by the time the show was over, I was looking at the Mel Tillis CDs, to have one to take home.
That was it. After the show there was no fun left to be had. We had another very long drive the next day, so we went to bed as soon as we got back to the hotel. We had toyed with the idea of taking two days to get back, and we had toyed with the idea of stopping in Abilene, KS to see the western sights. But, both ideas were deep sixed. It had been a nice trip. I think everyone enjoyed it, and I know Jackie remembers it fondly. I know it provided me with a welcome break from work, and marked the renewal of our annual family vacations. For that alone, I am deeply grateful.
We got up at 9ish. Not exactly sleeping the day away, but those extra hours always feels nice. After showers and a leisurely breakfast we drove into downtown Branson and found a place to park. The plan was to wander the shops and see what trinkets and novelties existed that we could not possibly continue to draw breath without owning. I don’t particularly enjoy “shopping”. I’m not fanatically opposed to it, and even some types I actually enjoy. Back home, if we are in a Home Depot or Lowes, even Sears (Yea Craftsman!) I can make a couple of hours disappear dreaming and planning. But any clothing only store, jewelry store, or baby store can bring about crippling depression. Those stores should only be approached after necessity has dictated, and then only with a limited shopping list, and a reasonable time limit. Say, fifteen minutes.
I love the Budweiser commercial in which a clothing rack has been transformed into a Men’s Club with beer and sports on TV. I have even considered lobbying to have the marital vows amended to remedy this situation. My thought was something like this:
“and do you, Lovely Bride, take Handsome Groom, ….blah..blah...blah…richer, poorer….blah…blah…blah….forsaking all others….blah..blah….and never make him go shopping, as long as you both shall live?”
And of course the proper response would be:
“I will, especially the part about shopping”
All right, maybe I’m exaggerating a tad. It wouldn’t be that bad. Not every shop would be filled with candles and flowers. There would be T-shirt shops that espouse such maxims as “The difference between a Redneck Girl and a Southern Belle is a six pack” or such sage advise as “Paddle fast, I hear banjos.” I actually find most of these hilarious. I much prefer reading all of the t-shirt wit, as opposed to inhaling deeply as my wife picks up candle after candle and queries “Doesn’t that smell pretty?” After the third one, my nose is numb and they all smell like wax.
Then there are the candy shops. We can shop there anytime. Display cases and aisle filled with sweets, confections, and if your lucky a taffy pulling machine. I don’t recall seeing one on this trip, but the things are down right hypnotizing as they stretch and pull the taffy. So we wandered from shop to shop. Some I liked. Most I just tolerated and tried to make the best of it. I think we ended up with a T-shirt of some sort and a cookbook from a place called the Gingham Goose. It could have been worse.
We ate lunch at Shoney’s. They don’t have any Shoney’s in Colorado, but they are an institution in the South. If I recall they had a choice between ordering off of their menu, which features standard American fare, or a buffet. Nothing really made an impression on me, so the food was probably good, but nothing extraordinary.
After lunch we headed over to Ride the Ducks, to take a tour of the town. Ride the Ducks is a tour company that uses converted World War II amphibious craft to take tourist around town, and on Table Rock Lake. That’s right on the lake. The craft, DUKW built to move troops during the war, has six wheels under a boat shaped bottom, with a propeller in back. They load you up, and drive you around town for about twenty minutes, and then head to the lake. Once the captain takes you on to the lake, which he does with a big splash, the captain turned the craft over to the kids. Actually anyone who wanted a stint behind the wheel could drive. There isn’t a lot to hit in the middle of the lake, so it was pretty safe. Soon our captain had told us all he knew about Table Rock Lake, and it was time to head back to the duck house.
We were all getting a little tired, so we headed back to the hotel. Part of the reason we were tired was because of Jackie. Jackie is a very nice person, but Jackie snores like a buzz saw. She goes to bed early, and the first night at the hotel, I heard this god-awful racket sound coming from the next room. I asked Margo about it, and she started laughing. “That’s Jackie”. Margo had grown up with it. But, it definitely kept me from sleeping soundly. I think the girls did a bit better, but we had done a lot of walking. So a nap would do us all some good.
After a few ZZZZZs, it was time for dinner. We headed back into town and ate at The Home Cannery. Again, I don’t remember much about it, so it was probably decent food, but nothing special. We were getting pretty excited at this point. What I considered the high point of our vacation was just around the corner. We had tickets to see the Mel Tillis Show, at his theater. In his day, Mel was a top country artist. But, he had decided he wanted something of a home life, so he built himself a Branson theater, and had his fan come to him. But, the topper was that his daughter, Pam Tillis, was currently a major star in her own right, and was appearing tonight.
We got there early for the 8 PM show and got to our seats. It was a sold out show, and for good reason. Mel put on a great show singing a lot of his hits, and working quite a bit of comedy into his act as well. Mel is famous for his stutter. When he speaks to a person, or crowd, he really works to get the words out. When he sings, he is flawless. He worked his stuttering into a couple of jokes. One in which he was really laboring to get the name of a current country super-star out. He was saying “Le—Lee An-nn, Le Ann”, and by that time the crowd (me included) finished his sentence by saying “Rimes”, as in LeAnn Rimes, the brand new and very popular young singer. But, as soon as the crowd had the name out of his mouth, he finished his own sentence with “Womack”, another singer, just to let us know he wasn’t as hard pressed as he let on with his words.
There were other jokes, and I have no idea why they have stuck with me. But, Mel told of when his daughter was a little girl, and wore this beautiful dress to church. The dress had many ruffles, and Mom (as the story goes) spent some time getting it ready. After church, as the preacher is talking to little Pam, he comments on how pretty the dress is. Pam responds, “Thank you, Mom says it’s a real bitch to iron.” Much laughter from the crowd. Later in the show, after Pam finished a song and was doing her own monologue, she asked if her father had told that particular story. The crowd, of course, affirmed that he did. She admonished us “Not to encourage him”. Years later I had heard many versions of the “It’s a bitch to iron” joke/story, so I kind of doubt it really happened. That didn’t make it any less funny and by the time the show was over, I was looking at the Mel Tillis CDs, to have one to take home.
That was it. After the show there was no fun left to be had. We had another very long drive the next day, so we went to bed as soon as we got back to the hotel. We had toyed with the idea of taking two days to get back, and we had toyed with the idea of stopping in Abilene, KS to see the western sights. But, both ideas were deep sixed. It had been a nice trip. I think everyone enjoyed it, and I know Jackie remembers it fondly. I know it provided me with a welcome break from work, and marked the renewal of our annual family vacations. For that alone, I am deeply grateful.